Farewell
by SatiaShade
Summary: "Every time she promised herself that today she will say the word that she should have at the funeral. Farewell. But she never could. And finally caught up on the fact that she did not visit the grave with the intention of saying goodbye to Akkarin. She wanted to feel his presence."


**Ok, so this is the first time, when I tried to write something in english (with huge help of Google translator), so if you'll find any mistakes (especially in citations from the "High Lord"), just tell me, I'll correct it immediately.**

**Before reading, I advice to prepare a pack of tissues and turn on a song _Hope "Who Am I To Say". _I hope you will enjoy it :)**

* * *

Sonea watched as Rothen leaves her room at the Healers House. As usual, looking at his face full of sadness and anxiety before the door closed behind him, she felt the echo of the feelings that the greater intensity would be remorse. She knew that she was for him like a daughter. He was worried about her. It's been a week and hers condition has not improved. Healers could not help in any way, because the reason for hers poor condition wasn't magical exhaustion or any wound on the body. The cause of her illness lay much deeper, was much more complex.

She felt the muscles around her mouth slightly strained, vainly trying to lift the corners of the lips, when she remembered the words which Lady Vinara says.

"You survived. You have every right to sorrow and pain, but you have to go forward."

She did not want to go forward. She ate when she was hungry. Drank, when she felt thirsty. She looked in the eye of people who spoke to her. But did not feel alive.

Since the invasion of Ichani she just once proved, that she is alive. It was two days after the battle, the day of Akkarin's funeral. It was also the only time when Rothen urged her to stay in bed and rest.

"Really, Sonea. You don't have to go" he said.

She had to. She had never felt more basely than when she lacked the forces to fight with Rothen, while he took her away from Akkarin's body. She knew that if she do not go, do not see him last time, do not say 'farewell' to him, she will feel even worse. She would not forgive herself. It would kill her.

The funeral was lavish. There appeared all the Guild magicians, king Merin with his advisers and all the courtiers, and all coming from Houses who managed to return to Imardin. If she cared at all, if she were able to feel anything but all-encompassing, painful emptiness, probably she would noticed the irony of the situation. Here were those who sentenced Akkarin into exile, condemned his actions, rejected and betrayed him, and now come to said goodbye to him as a hero.

But all her attention was focused on him, dressed in his black robes, laying on the marble platform, with a dagger resting in his hands clasped on his chest. Elders suggested to her that they would give her the knife, but she refused. Looking at the face of black magician she felt as tears filled her eyes and slowly streamed down her cheeks.

_He looks so peaceful. And still smiling. But it seems that it is still not the fullness of his feelings. As usual, he hid them under the mask._

The king did step to the front, to say a few words. Sonea did not hear what he said, as she did not hear the speech of Elders, a few other magicians and members of family Delvon.

_Surely I would be able to read more of his emotions, if I could look into his eyes. What were you thinking at that moment, Akkarin?_

Her fingers gently stroked the inside of her hand.

_Could be found in these thoughts a little bit of space for me? Did you feel the heat of my hand as I felt warmth of yours? Just as I feel it until now?_

"Sonea"

_His presence, his strength, his love, gave me a sense of security and stability. I could believe, even in the worst moments, that somehow everything will work out. Akkarin, do you realize how much I miss you? Do you realize how frightening is for me vision of every single day which I'll spend without you?_

"Sonea, do you want to say something"

Sonea shivered and stared blankly at Rothen. She swallowed and then slipped a step ahead of the magicians, trembling all over. It was time to say farewell to him. She opened her mouth, but no sound came out. Tremor intensified. She took a deep breath and tried to properly directed and shaped the air in her lungs, but it got lost somewhere along the way, and she utter a sound like a groan, only quieter. Much, much quieter. She could not. She was not able to say goodbye to him.

Through the tears she saw deep grave into the ground, where they will burying Akkarin's body. At the thought that he will be there, the wave of anxiety flooded her stronger and more terrible than anything she had ever experienced. She wanted to throw to him and protect him, but some part of her knew that others will not let her to it. She thought frantically.

_How can I stop them? How can I explain to them that they shouldn't… that they can't do that?_

"Sonea!"

Rothen's scream broke through the darkness, which - of what she just now realized - swept her senses. Legs bent under her, and she fall limply to the ground.

_How can I convince them that the only thing I need is to let me die, and laid in the ground with you?_

Memories float away gently, and Sonea found herself back in the Healers House. Since then, she had never left the bed if not carried by someone. Nothing was able to ward off infirmity which mastered her body. So she was surprised by tremor, which caused her fingers to move, almost imperceptibly wrinkled sheets under her hand. Rothen was talking today about the Guild, that they need her. He mentioned about the new kind of magicians, about new laws. And then he said that she and Akkarin sacrificed much to save the Guild, which now still needs help for not to fall. She did not felt that she rises and put the bare feet on the floor and gets up, and then stumbled approaching the window. She felt as if someone else was making the movements, and she stood on the side, watching this. Through the window she saw the Guild.

First, eight arches of Arena, intact.

The invisible fingers clutched her heart.

Then the House of Novices and the House of Magicians, intact.

Amusement shaped her lips in a smile, so bitter, that she sobbed.

And at the end the University, proud and beautiful. The building, whose beauty had price of one life, intact.

The mixture of pride and pain almost deprived her of breath.

But it was the thought that somewhere behind the University is not visible from this place the residence of High Lord, make her nearly lost consciousness once again.

She forced herself to do a few steps on the way back to bed. Akkarin saved Guild and Imardin, not only in the final battle. He did it for eight years. Allowing that his sacrifice was in vain would be the worst betrayal.

She will stand up.

She will stand up, because she had to.

She will stand up, because Guild needed her. They needed her knowledge.

But at the moment she needed little more time.

* * *

She could taste blood in her mouth, so she loosened a little the pressure of the teeth on her lips. It still did not help her hold back the tears as she stared at the white headstone and the name written on it.

_Akkarin._

The tomb was very ordinary, without any silly ornaments. Only the inscription, recently enriched by another name.

_Lorkin._

The birth of a son were miracle for Sonea, something wonderful and extraordinary. She loved this baby by all her strength. He made the point in her life, meaning that despite the best intentions are not found neither in her position as the Black Magician, Defender of the Guild, either in her clinics in the slums. But it was a bitter joy, not giving the relief of suffering. There was still painful emptiness that she could not either filled or rejected.

_What should I do, Akkarin?_

She raised her hand and touched with the fingertips the cavities, arranged in his name. She was coming here regularly, every day at sunrise, for a year. Every time she promised herself that today she will say the word that she should have at the funeral. _Farewell_.

But she never could. Once tried, she was choking by her own tears. And finally caught up on the fact that she did not visit the grave with the intention of saying goodbye to Akkarin. She wanted to feel his presence. She wanted to remember the touch of his hand, sound of voice, feeling that fleeting but strong presence. But he was not here. Just as he was not in residence, to which visiting she finally forced herself in her desperate need to find Akkarin. He was not in the hidden corridors of the University, which he once occupied, and which she searched all, seeking some trace of him. He was not in the Night Room, or the House of Magicians. She couldn't found him in the gardens, nor in the night or by day. She did not feel him on the Arena, did not feel in the Dome. Even in the slums, where he had fought so many battles.

And she did not feel him here, on his grave.

"Sonea"

She closed her eyes, hearing the familiar voice. Rothen has always come after her and took her from the cemetery, took her to her son and clinics, the Guild and its daily affairs. Before she got up, she moved her hand last time by the stone.

_Akkarin... I want to feel you even once, the last time. I miss you so much._

* * *

Sonea took a deep breath, looking at home of family Delvon.

_What am I doing here? After all, they hate me, despise me._

But she had to try. Longing for Akkarin increased with each single day, and since his death three years have passed. She was desperate to find him. To feel him again, just for a moment, just for one second. One touch. Shadow of smell. Anything. Approaching the door, she was asking questions.

_Why I can't forget about you? Why I can't go forward, leave past behind? Why I can't deal with it?_

She reached the door and knocked, feeling as her body visibly trembled. The tremor of fear at the thought of hostile glances and disdainful tone of the inhabitants of the house. But above all trembling of hope. Perhaps she may finally find him? Maybe she could break free from the emptiness?

The door opened and Sonea saw the lofty doorman. He measured her with watchful gaze, and when he saw her black robes, his eyes widened. He bowed respectfully.

"Black Magician Sonea" greeted her, and his voice echoed both surprised and fearful respect.

"Good morning" she said, and hesitated. Now it was necessary to provide a reason for her visit. But what could she say? She did not want to see the inhabitants of this house. She could tell that she wanted to look around, but that was ridiculous.

_I'm looking for him. Looking for Akkarin._

That was true, but she could not say that to the servant.

"Can I come in"

"Mr. and Mrs. Delvon are not in home, ma'am. Would you like to leave them a message?"

Sonea felt the fear clutching her throat. She will not going to get there. She had to... need... but...

"No, I did not come to see them" she said, and her mind was trying to determine what she was actually going to say. "I... I..."

_Akkarin, help me!_

"What happened, Sterrin?"

Sonea looked up. In hall appeared petite figure of a servant-girl. At the sight of the magician standing in the doorway she bowed low, with respect, but - for Sonea's surprise - without fear.

"Mr. and Mrs. Delvon are not in home, ma'am"

"I know. I... I wanted... I just wanted to..." She paused. The headaches did not occur to her any explanation, just the truth. There was no point in repeating over and over again the same words. Grief clutched her by throat, but she forced herself to turn around and leave.

"I see." Voice of the servant stopped her in place. She looked up, astonished. The girl stared at her with a gentle smile, and repealed the door wider, and let Sonea inside. "Please, come in."

The maid brought her to a vast hall, and then led up the stairs. She walked with her through the long corridor and opened the last door.

"Here was a young lord Akkarin room before he went to the Guild" she announced.

Sonea felt surprise for a second. How does she know? But the surprise was dissipated as soon as she crossed the threshold. Her attention focused on the environment. The room was almost empty, except for furniture and a few trinkets. The walls of dark wood. Bookcase half-filled with books. A small figure of a beautiful horse, standing on top of shelves.

But nothing else. There wasn't even one thing here that would remind her Akkarin, because room belonged to him at the time when she did not know him yet. He was not here. And if he was, she could not find a connection with that presence. She did not feel anything.

Pressing her hand to her chest, she curled up in pain, barely holding back a scream.

_Why? Why did you leave me, Akkarin?_

* * *

She was very afraid that she will not find this place. The whole journey through the mountains which she had with Akkarin seemed almost unreal, like a dream from some night very long ago. She remembered her fear of Ichanimi and strongly suppressed desire for closeness to Akkarin. She remembered the haste, fear and grief, but also the love and joy. She remembered flying up, then falling, constantly changing the amount of tracks, in attempt to lose the chase. If someone wanted to draw the path traveled by them, it would probably looks like a forest of zigzags and squiggles.

But Sonea was determined. The thought that she is in Sachaka, so close to the wilderness, so close to Ichani, sharpened her senses and increase alertness. She could hardly forced herself to sleep when the time came for it. But every time she recognized some place, she felt the tide of hope. She found the hollow in the rock - place where she first time saw Akkarin watching her sleep. And his smile, smile just for her. She found a small creek surrounded by birds, and next to it broken fragments of stone bowl. She closed her eyes.

"_Turn around... and do not peek."_

With a sigh, she fell on another path and passed the next corner. Her attention was caught by silently murmur. Water. She shivered. The area does not stand out like, but there was something familiar. In Sonea's mind memories flashed, almost depriving her of breath.

"_I hear the sound of water"_

_Akkarin turned his gaze to Sonea, but his face was submerged in shadow, so that she could not guess his feelings._

"_Then go there" he said._

She shivered and obeyed the command. She found the bend in the rock and pushed her out there. Her heart was beating faster and faster as far as advancing forward. Recognizing the gap, followed by the bright light of the setting sun, she accelerated, and soon found herself again on the outside, on the shore of a small valley. Its slopes rose slightly to a steep crags. Dwarf trees, shrubs and grass grows along a narrow stream that flowed, murmuring cheerfully, to the point where it disappeared in the ravine a few paces distant.

It was here. She found this place.

She swallowed hard.

"_Looks like a good place to spend the night here... or a day" she said._

Moved forward, she letting her gaze around. On a nearby tree pair of birds had a nest. A single tap caught her attention. It was a nut, that broke away from branches. Sonea raised it, skillful got rid of the hulls and slipped nut into her mouth, savoring the sweet taste. In the distance she saw a low bushes, where - she remembered - grew berries and _Shem_. Soft grass bent under her feet, when she carefully placed the next steps. She crouched and moved her hands over it, allowing it tickle her palms. She closed her eyes, her mind flooded a wave of memories.

Akkarin's warm lips on her own. His arms, locking her in a safe cocoon. His strong hands, arranged her gently on the grass. The proximity of his body, sound of breath and depth of his black eyes, at that moment darker than ever before.

Tears rolled down her cheeks. She remembered it all so clearly. But it was still only a memory. She did not feel him. A single sob tore out from her throat.

"You still looking for him?"

Sonea shivered and turned at the sound of an unfamiliar voice. At the entrance to the valley was a woman. Her skin was smooth, her hair had color of gold, eyes was light blue. It was impossible to guess the nationality from her features or accent.

"He is not here" she answered quietly, and these words caused a shudder going through her body. She wanted him to be here. Oh, how much she missed him!

"Yes, he is" a stranger whispered. Sonea raised her eyes at her, surprised. Woman responded with a mild smile. "He was in the House of Healers and on the grave. In High Lord residence, in hidden corridors of the University, in the Night Room. In the gardens, at night and day. In the Arena, in the Dome. In the residence of family Delvon as well.

Her heart was beating fast in her chest, filling the valley of its equal rhythm. Tears streamed down her cheeks, gently tickling her skin. Someone wiped them gently. She blinked and looked to the side. There was a slight impression of a familiar presence. More and more strong. More and more pronounced. She saw only air, but she closed her eyes. His scent filled her nostrils. His touch caressed her cheek, stroked her lips, moved her hair. He was like the wind, fleeting, but she felt him clearly. He said nothing, but she heard the sound of his breathing.

Sitting on the grass, she raised her hand. He gently touched her fingertips, and clasped their hands together. She moaned and sobbed. Feelings welled up in her, like a waterfall in another valley where they made love, changing the world behind it in a cornucopia of colors.

Love. Joy. Longing. Peace.

She swallowed with difficulty, and her mouth stretched into a smile. She wanted to laugh. Loudly, cheerfully. Instead, from her lips gone just a quiet whisper.

"Tell him that I feel him."

She knew that the stranger is smiling. The whole world was smiling.

Woman's voice was distant as the wind.

"He knows."

* * *

Leaving the valley, she was still crying. And she was still smiling.

She looked back, realizing something. Now she was able to say it. And again she did not. This one word.

_Farewell..._

She laughed out loud and sound of pure joy echoed among the rocks.

_Akkarin._

She never intended to say it.

Never.


End file.
